My Brain Won't Stop

I'm in a funk. Although, it seems so trivial to say because in retrospect I think I'm always in a funk. It's the consequence of not really knowing who you are.

When I feel like this my relationships suffer. I can't properly navigate them in ways that will truly make me happy or successful because I don't know myself well enough to know what makes me happy and successful.

Sometimes I'm impulsive. I get excited about something and just go for it. It's dangerous not because it's unpredictable but because my impulsiveness is so calculating. Sometimes I think people could just see right through me and know every calculation I make that goes into my 'impulsive' choices. I don't want them to know what I'm doing but do they?

The things I want aren't necessarily the things that are going to make me really happy but there's something addictive about the rush you get from the things that you know aren't good for you. From the people you know you aren't supposed to be with.

I'm a work in progress. We all are. It's just so much harder to know what you do is wrong and then try to correct it than to just do something wrong and find out later.

It takes a toll.