April 14th.

The clock struck midnight and she hardly blinked.  She thought back to this moment last year.

Seated at a table at her favorite bar she was surrounded by some of her favorite people but not all of them.  Not him.  Though he was only a mere 20 feet away, he wasn't really there.  They sang and then they drank and then she walked in.  The second she saw her something inside of her died.  Her best friends had been trying to make her life a living hell for weeks and now this.


Her smile crumbled to the floor met by voluptuous tears flowing with an ease.  She excused herself to the bathroom where she could breakdown in semi-privacy.  She slipped to the floor, cradling her heavy head in her hands; make-up on her fingers.  Her phone rang.  Tricia.  She answered, trying to conceal her stuffy voice.  "Happy Birthday!"  More tears.  "Are you okay?!".  No, but I can't talk.  She hung up and continued her pity party, deservedly so.

If she could rewrite history, what would she have done that year?  A great question that will never see an answer because she had loved him.  When you love someone all rationality goes out the window.  Unfortunately, when looking back, although you remember the bad, you feel the unknown- the "what-ifs".  There's always that false hope that if you went back in time that you wouldn't have done anything different, rather he would.  He would have been better; he would realize how amazing she is and he wouldn't fuck it up this time.

Unfortunately, she thought, when it's time to blow the candles out and make a wish you're better off wishing for MSU to make it to the Rose Bowl than for the power of time travel.

Relationships are like movies.  Admittedly, mostly movies with sad endings.  Yet they seem to always have a beginning, middle, and end, even if they aren't quite clear at first.  The problem arises when there's an undying hope that it's just not quite the end yet.  How long do you wait before you give up or before you realize your movie was nothing short of a bad B-movie?  When do you come to the realization that what you thought was Titanic-worthy was really just a bad episode of Felicity after the haircut?

It was 12:01 and it was time to blow out the candles, and role the credits of such a sad and beautifully messed-up movie.  He was never coming back, and April 15th was just another day.

Stand Up.

Sometimes, you've just gotta stand up for what you believe in. Don't let people walk all over you. Don't let people offend you. Take control of your own happiness and put your foot down. In the great words of Eleanor Roosevelt- "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." She was a smart lady, Eleanor, because she also said, "You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't".

It good to have strong convictions- without them you're nothing but a doormat. I'm done being that. I won't allow people to treat me like crap, because frankly, I have more power over my happiness than that.

I'm going places, but without my beliefs, I'm nothing.

Single and SO SO SO Happy!

I will never ever need a man to make me feel happy, safe, or secure.

I will always make that happen on my own.

Right now, for the first time in a long time- I'm just having fun, and I love it. At this moment I see no point in being in a relationship with anyone, because honestly, why have all the drama when you can choose to just have the fun.

I'm not saying I won't ever want to be with anyone. But I am saying I won't ever need to be with someone to feel great and be happy.

I like having my independence, and I don't see myself ever giving that up for anyone. Call me selfish, but such is life.

I'm moving to LA in July. Here's to a fantastic and fun filled 4 1/2 months left in Michigan!

Horror

I've decided on a genre for my next feature length screenplay. I'm going to write a horror film that takes place in an office building after hours. I kind of feel like I'm going the safe route with this one because it's really not as much of a challenge as my previous idea was. However, considering I have the time constraint of a semester to write this, I think it's better to have something that's easier to develop.

My first 10 pages are due Tuesday evening. Wish me luck!

Too Much

Most times I feel like a give a lot of myself to people I care about. The problem with that is, I care about everyone, even those I dislike.

The problem arises in the fact that in giving so much of myself to others, I'm losing myself simultaneously. At the end of the day I feel sad, lonely, and unfulfilled.

Sometimes, less is more. Sometimes, you have to be selfish... or you'll diminish into nothingness.

Grandma

"And all the wind goes sighing, for sweet things dying."

-Christina G. Rossetti

A Little Flattered, A Little Worried

I'm in a screenwriting class this semester. I love film classes but this particular one made me nervous. I have a professor who conducts himself like a character from a movie. It's intriguing sure, but my first impression of him (3 years ago at Filmmakers Club) was anything but nice.

However, he's changed my mind about him very quickly. He's been very friendly, has given good feedback, and the class is off to a great start.

Something worries me though. You see, we've started revisions on our previous feature length scripts. We all (about 10 of us in the class) brought in our first scenes, did read-throughs, then critiques. I'm one of two girls in the class, which is fine, but I can't help to feel like the feedback I received (all compliments and "That was really good's") was more of a way to avoid offending or hurting my feelings. Maybe it wasn't, for this is, in fact, my favorite scene I've probably ever written. But maybe it was.

I gave nothing but honest constructive criticism, hoping that I would receive the same. At first the compliments and "That was great" comments felt really good until I started thinking about it more.

I guess I won't really know until we do critiques on more things, but here's hoping that my classmates return the honest favor.