Too Much

Most times I feel like a give a lot of myself to people I care about. The problem with that is, I care about everyone, even those I dislike.

The problem arises in the fact that in giving so much of myself to others, I'm losing myself simultaneously. At the end of the day I feel sad, lonely, and unfulfilled.

Sometimes, less is more. Sometimes, you have to be selfish... or you'll diminish into nothingness.

Grandma

"And all the wind goes sighing, for sweet things dying."

-Christina G. Rossetti

A Little Flattered, A Little Worried

I'm in a screenwriting class this semester. I love film classes but this particular one made me nervous. I have a professor who conducts himself like a character from a movie. It's intriguing sure, but my first impression of him (3 years ago at Filmmakers Club) was anything but nice.

However, he's changed my mind about him very quickly. He's been very friendly, has given good feedback, and the class is off to a great start.

Something worries me though. You see, we've started revisions on our previous feature length scripts. We all (about 10 of us in the class) brought in our first scenes, did read-throughs, then critiques. I'm one of two girls in the class, which is fine, but I can't help to feel like the feedback I received (all compliments and "That was really good's") was more of a way to avoid offending or hurting my feelings. Maybe it wasn't, for this is, in fact, my favorite scene I've probably ever written. But maybe it was.

I gave nothing but honest constructive criticism, hoping that I would receive the same. At first the compliments and "That was great" comments felt really good until I started thinking about it more.

I guess I won't really know until we do critiques on more things, but here's hoping that my classmates return the honest favor.

Funk

Dear World,

Please stop being so cold. It's times like these I miss my fireplace. Also, I'm in a funk. I've been in worse, but it's still there. I'm a grass is always greener kind of person- it's cold here and I'd do anything to be back in LA right now. On top of that I feel I've wasted my weekend on trivial fun, when I should have been getting settled into this semester and I reallllly should have looked for a job. The thought of asking my parents for money literally activates my gag reflex.

I'll be writing again soon- screenplay. It will help, I hope. At least I'll feel a little more like a real person.

Must. Be. Productive.

The Checks and Balances of 'I Love You's'

Matters of the

heart are (hardly)

'diplomatic'.

Jagged edges

of a dismal blade

run smoother

than those feelings

that overcome

one (or many).

It's messy yet

addicting; one

can(t) help but

fight for the

heartbreak.

I've been awarded

the awful pain

of those (few) words.

'I Love You's'

are never spoken

when deep in

the [politics] of

love.

Rather (reserved)

for befores

and afters.

A Dream.

I took an afternoon catnap tonight and I'm adamant about remembering my dreams. So, I'm going to write it here:

Things happened before this, but I was in an auditorium in Wells Hall studying for finals with two of my friends, Melissa (whom in the dream was an out of towner) and my friend Carrie (who really is an out of towner and in the dream I think was my sister or relative). It was late and time to go and we were worried about getting home. I kept offering that I think my Mom parked her car nearby but it was never an option. When we packed up and went to leave, there apparently had been some sort of snow in, and the auditorium seats were packed with snow, so we had to hike our way to the top. I guess I wasn't wearing the proper attire for this because I took off my blue sweatshirt and put my legs through the sleeves to climb in. On the climb, I really had to pee. But for some reason I just couldn't wait so I peed myself (not in real life, no worries).

We made it to the top and kept debating between my Mom's car, or taking a campus cab thing. An old creepy looking guy starts walking up some stairs we are walking down and to make sure he belongs there, I ask him what he does. He says he works on the cell phones for MSU. This was good enough for me so we went down into the lobby and there were a TON of people waiting for the campus cab. After a while we decided to go outside (all of the sudden it was morning). Some of the guys that were waiting start playing frisbee and I know them. One of them from some study abroad. I also knew one of them as a bartender at my favorite haunt who is kind of a dick.

We shoot the shit for a bit, and then I run into Lizzy, a girl from my study abroad to england. She tells me how her mom makes her wear sandals with straps and a long sleeve sweater to church. I made a joke how I was going to wear sandals without straps and no long sleeve sweater to church and she thought it was a hoot because I'm jewish. She then goes on to remind me of this time in London when I cracked her up (I can't remember what she had said it was in the dream). I couldn't really focus on what she was saying because all I could think to myself is how much I wanted to tell her about Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. from Everything is Illuminated and how it somehow related to our own Sammy Davis Jr. inside joke.

Surprise!

My Dad surprised me with tickets to the People's Choice Awards this Wednesday at the Staples Center. We have Orchestra seats :D After much a fret about what to wear, I've decided on the dress above! What do you think?!